9/26/2010

i wonder if everyone has an outlet they revert to once they hit a certain point. Sometimes..or lots of times it always seems that everything falls on you at once..Like being in a fight and going into it expecting to take a couple punches..but the fight begins, the other person throws one punch..doesn’t matter where you’ve been hit because you’re already collapsing….takes you just a moment to realize your legs have been tied this whole time and your arms don’t seem to respond anymore…you don’t understand how this happened or how you have gotten here…you can only ask yourself…am i loosing ?…all i can think to do is write at the moment..not some grand well thought out note or paper of enlightenment but just for the sake of being able to do it and to know its helping me let out these emotions and feelings i can’t handle, these obstacles i can’t seem to shake…I think today i finally realized i’m moving to nyc as well..So add that to the mix….i’m realizing how much im going to miss everything and everyone..My family most of all…how is it going to be without them around..my mom who is amazing.no other words need to be said..i could write pages about her..a dad who has been so hard to understand but not so much anymore…i feel like we connect..he gets me and he truly  loves his kids..my sisters who are best friends and they love me to death..and i to them..they would do anything for me and they dont even have to say it..i just know..Sam, he is my best friend hope he knows it..but he’s already in cali so it wont be like im leaving him in chicago..the friends…the true ones…the ones i care, think about, invite out..I feel like i’m really leaving some great people here..really wish i could just bring them along..keep walking the same road just in another city, another borough ….or the person you have been around all the time and didn’t exactly realize you wanted that person in your life so much up until lately…but i guess both of you have to feel that way..haha..its horrible that i just said that…..its funny im looking at a picture right now and they say pictures are worth a thousand words..and they are.. but none of those words are telling the story i see… its a day like today that you come to appreciate a lot…regret some…wish you had just said what you never said….or the reverse..a day of forced reflection…

memories are a good thing…they cant be taken from you…always going to be yours…and they always stay the same..they never change…i like that..its ok to have somethings that make us comfortable…those little things in your life that you dont want to change…like your phone number..your email address..stupid passwords..but its quite boring to not have change all together..the reality is so many times we talk about change but when an opportunity is presented to us we step back and say something like .. i dont know if thats going to work… of course you don’t cuz you haven’t tried..and you’re really just to much of a chicken to take a leap..failure is a good thing in so many ways…it allows you to experience that risk..and of course you better be learning from it and not just experiencing it…but not me..i’m definitely a leaper..at least as of late i have been..not saying its been working…but like i said failure is going to be there sometimes to meet you on the other end..but sometimes it wont be anywhere in sight..im hoping and looking for those times…atleast more of them.. im just trying to love life and live it…trying to continue to understand who i am..the shoes that fit me best..the school i want to finish at..the people i want to meet..things i want to do…the city i want to live in…trying to daily become more and more of the person God created me to be…hope i can make and exceed that for you. Because in the end i owe you my life… and if im trying to be impress someone i might as well stop trying for other people and more for the one that matter cuz the rest will fall into place naturally..i want the domino effect so bad …but  the good one..not the bad crashing one this whole thing is about..haha.  anyway i think i have said enough for today..i feel much better and more confident in what is coming and whats already here…