An old friend.
6/7/1988 - 3/20/2011
The first real friend i ever had died yesterday. I’m still not sure how to feel about it or what to think of it all..I try not to get lost in thoughts of death because it makes for so many unanswered questions. All i know is that i wish i had spent more time talking to Adrian, he was the first experience i had of a best friend. When we were shortys we did everything from building forts together to riding bikes around the hood, chillin at the cornerstore and even fighting with one another haha.. He even helped me get my first “girlfriend” hahaha.. We were neighbors and best friends. He has a baby girl named Nevaeh and more than anything i feel bad that she will grow up and never get to know her father. I hope his family can find peace. I will miss you Adrian and I know many other will too.
Dinner is served
It’s january, mid 70’s and I live in LA. Was able to bronze today while i went on my midday run and still, I find a million & one things I want to complain about. It’s crazy the way it’s a never ending loop. If it isn’t one thing thats wrong then it’s another. When do i draw a line and realize life will always be this way so the norm shouldn’t be this mythical utopian facade that seems to exist in my mind where everything goes my way but the ordinary should be a messed up, unbalanced life and really I should freak out if things were ever to be perfect because then I would know i’m dead.
Anyways, I had a couple different blogs i wanted to put up but never decided to do so. Some about work but i don’t have enough to say about that yet so i wont. Some about la lifestyles but i figure i should live it a little more before i go there. Some about specific people but now i just don’t think they’re worth the exclusivity of my entire blog, given the 20 followers i actually have on tumblr. Plus you are probably very picky considering the high demand for these things. I wouldn’t want to stray away from hiding my feelings and showing you only the pieces of me i want you to see. But i’ll do it anyways, just a little.
I don’t want to write a whole story here so i’ll make this short. I think living in LA hasn’t been easy, I’m lucky enough to have my brother(sam) here and i new found good friend(nils) but even with them here you still come to a new place and you have to make it your own. And this city is far from handing out favors to a newbie but i can understand that. This city is one of the most sought out places to live whether you like it or not and a cold shoulder comes with the territory when everyone wants a piece it. What i’m trying to get at is that i think as hard as it’s been here, i think i’ve been growing up, i wish i meant that in a literal way but unfortunately I think i’m as tall as i’m going to get. But i mean that in a way of my heart, mind and soul. I still have a lot of learning to do but i’m seeing things more clearly now and i feel more confident about the way i approach situations. Even when it comes to something like a girl, as complicated as they can be i’m not aiming to figure them out anymore. I’ve done that for too long, i’m over it. If you want to be unbearably complicated then thats fine but i’m checking out!
I only use that example because for me that isn’t the highest concern of my life right now, it might be for others which is a tough place to be and we’re all there at some point but the bigger issues of my life don’t fit into a couple sentences, for that you’ll have to call.
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won’t rot.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That’s why I hold,
That’s why I hold with all I have.
That’s why I hold.
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
ok so how do I blog again...i cant seem to figure it out!!
You lookin good in that nice guy suite.
It has been a couple days since i have updated the blog. Not sure why i haven’t been as excited and willing to write. Maybe because I am so indecisive about so much! I feel like this is a never ending problem for me. I don’t want to write something and then a day later say that the opposite is going to happen or that i decided to go the other route. I just want to know the final answer and cut off the middle man. I’m sure a lot of people can feel me on that one. Its actually a business motto, “cut the middle man and go straight to the source”.
This makes me think especially of mobsters. Mainly because i have been watching tons of Mob movies the last couple of days. The good ones like Goodfellas, Scarface and Casino. You know, with the Kings of Gangster movies. Just can’t beat lines like Pesci’s, or the faces of De Niro and you can’t touch Pacino’s rough, piercing accent. Makes you feel like your one of them whenever you try and re-enact the way he talks amongst your buddies. Those guys always get stuff done. Always got what they wanted but in the end they also all got what they had coming to them. It doesn’t really have anything to do with me accept the truth is sometimes in life there really isn’t a shortcut for our situation or whatever predicament we might find ourselves in. Because if we decide to take that short lived solution it will probably only end badly. Sure it will momentarily resolve things but a moment passes and real life resumes and whatever we have set up or done for ourselves is what is waiting for us. I’m trying to think smart. Sometimes i’ve acted too much on emotion, with good reason at times but it doesn’t always spawn the result I expected. The same goes with times that i have made decisions on the fantasy of what it could become knowing very well how it was going to play out. I have many dreams and desires and i’m coming to realize the ones that are actually possible and the ones that I truly can’t control.
It comes down to the fact that I can do and reach any of my desires but the ones that i can’t are the ones that depend on other peoples decisions. I can’t make someone change. I can’t make someone love me, or make someone need me. I can’t tell people who they should or shouldn’t be based on how i can benefit from their decision; or even if the benefit is the sheer pleasantry of seeing that person do better. I can definitely push those dreams to be reality but i’m going to start spending more time focusing on the ones i control and the ones i AM going to make a reality. We all have choices and in the end It’s a beautiful thing. Don’t be a wise guy ay!!
Ready or not, here i come.
L.A. is really growing on me…really quickly at that. Two days ago I went for a quick run and soccer game with Sam and Niles expecting only that. See to my knowledge it was going to be just an ordinary run to the park and probably an exhausting run considering the hills. I was in for an exciting shocker. One moment we were running through the streets of echo park (really cool hipster and latino neighborhood) and we hit a street that leads up!! We were in for a tough run… once we got to the top of this street we hit another street, i took a second to gasp, from my view it looked like there was no end to this next hill but they were already 20 feet ahead of me and now i had some catching up to do. Dang!
My surrounding were beginning to change, the houses went from regular flat land to all these really cool buildings and houses on slants. The view was only getting better and better the higher we went; I looked ahead to see where sam and niles had gone and i couldn’t see them anymore. A ran a little faster hoping they would come into view but then to my left i saw them standing waiting for me. They were standing in front of what looked like a trail. Its hard to explain the difference in terrain but it went from houses on a hill to being in the tropics!! I know you are probably thinking that I am fully exaggerating but i’m telling you it was that dramatic. The trail was surrounded by palm trees, cactuses and dirt hills..the further we went in the more beautiful it became..There were people having picnics and soccer games.. It would be somewhat equivalent to a forest preserve but instead of regular trees only, you add in these massive palm trees everywhere. It felt like i had entered into a latin american country. As if i had crossed some threshold that warped me into the jungles of Colombia. It only got better.
We found a flat area where other people were playing soccer and began to dribble around for a while. We just had a little game going, enjoying the fresh air and views. We made our way closer to the other soccer games when we came into yet another culturally comforting experience. There was a live band in the middle of this park just hanging out and jamming out. They were playing columbian music and grilling. They weren’t playing a show or for the entertainment of others but for the sheer entertainment of themselves. These people gave off the vibe of a group that simply was enjoying life. At this moment it couldn’t have felt anymore like a dream! I couldn’t help but wonder where else in the world do you get this kind of diversity in the land itself. Sure many states and countries can have their share of melting pots; Neighborhoods or streets with all kinds of people from every background but this place was not only holding that but it is so much more. I could be in an urban city one moment, then in the hills overlooking the city in another, then i could be in a tropical forest while listening to live colombian music. The real kicker was on the way back we ran into people horseback riding on the same trail. It blew my mind that this was all happening at just running distance from my apartment. I don’t live in some kind of suburb of l.a. or a ranch in l.a. i live in the middle of L.A. It was quite an experience for me and one that is making its mark. Los angeles is catching up in the race for where i want to settle. Now lets just see who has better school program for me..L.A…or..NYC… Anyway we all have crap we deal with but its these moments that give you that sense of comfort and confidence to say to yourself..”every-things going to be alright”
“I wish you best of luck,
And now im finna throw them deuces up” …thats my jam.
Found a message in a bottle.
Lets see its my 4th day and night in los angeles, california. I currently live in a neighborhood called echo park. I like to compare it to the wicker park of chicago for all of those reading my blog from chicago. To be completely honest it is much cooler. When you add in the palm trees, hills, weather and the diversity of people you can’t go wrong or help but fall in love with l.a. It has been a bit of a wild and interesting couple of days but i just want to focus on one of the positive events/ feelings of today.
All day i have been trying to figure some stuff out. Things that take a lot of thought and understanding. Things that aren’t just anyones ordinary, everyday decisions. Things that really can change and define our lives in even the littlest of ways. I actually reached out to a friend today from Chicago for some advice and to be honest, just to have someone who is familiar and close to my heart be a part of what i was dealing with means a lot. But i know she knows that. I don’t want to go on too much of a tangent but she was part of making the day good. And in reality she probably hates me , i would hate me now too, so i understand. But the truth is you can only give so much of yourself to someone before it reaches a different level and if they don’t feel or see that then there isn’t much left you can do. I know thats really unclear to most of you and reading this you probably don’t understand how the person who probably hates me can be so close or make todays day better but i think its better that way because you just wouldn’t understand.
Anyway, after all was said and done i was ready to get some air, ready to be reminded that the rest of the world still exists and that it isn’t the end. There is much i have to do, learn and prepare for but its hard to have patience and the will. The will to be humble, the will to wait, the will to be who you want to be. The will to accept others people decisions. The will to know and understand something. Not because you can’t understand it but because up until now you didn’t want to understand it. To have that will is a powerful thing. I hopped on my longboard skateboard and decided i needed to start this journey. Both feet on the board. In complete control of what was happening. I took my ride to be somewhat of a metaphor, cheesy maybe, but nevertheless impact-full and fulfilling. I was now locked in and heading down a hill, ready to take on any new obstacles that will arise while still breathing the air knowing i was in some level, free. Free from my fears. The fear of a hill? sure. But even more i’m free from the fear of the answers to come. Its time i leave my questions on the plate for the one who knows how to answer and fix them best. I cruised down echo park street, passing a bus full of people..the old lady further down the block waiting on the bus stop, holding a bag of groceries in one had and a cane in the other..passing the wall full of graffiti, art, expressions, whatever you want heart desires to call it. The man selling fruit on the corner, or the hipsters walking to the local bar. The business man walking out of the bank either looking at how broke he is or how much money he’s got to waste. Dodging and weaving past the palm trees..accelerating or slowing down based on the depth of each hill i came to..all in all to say that it felt good to ride and experience the world around me. Tomorrow is another day.
Home sweet …. home??
Well chicago, looks like im in L.A. and wow that was a full day of traveling. I flew to Arizona…delayed an hour because of weather conditions, had a horrible, horrible ride do to a lot of turbulence.. On my right i sat next to a guy who had a huge garbage bag of tootsie rolls!! every couple of minutes he would go in and out of his bag to grab a single tootsie roll. Unwrap it. Eat it and put the wrapper behind the seat pocket in from of him. It was hilarious. It wasn’t all that bad because on my left i met a lady who was originally from L.A. but had recently moved to Texas with her husband. She randomly started a convo and soon enough we were in a full conversation about all her stories growing up in cali..things from surving to snowboarding…long-boarding in echo park, venice beach…it was actually really cool hearing her stories, made me excited for my time here. Her name was natalie she was awesome.
Well after the flight i arrived home and was picked up by niles…we sat in traffic for two hours!!! Quite the welcome to los angeles. On top of that it was a very gloomy day out so it only made the trip feel that much longer. Finally at my brother apartment resting.. guess we’ll be going out a little later after i rest a little. Getting more and more excited especially after i talked to brooke (from australia) was going to try and hook up with her and zach at the loft right now but im tooo tired to try and make it over there..Well anyway im just chillin with niles and a friend waiting for Sam to get home. He’s still filming some stuff for Nelly furtado i think. Anyway not going to lie i already miss the idea of just knowing i can call my friends to come over or go out with them. Anyways till later..btw if you’re reading this and you dont have a blog make one so i can follow you tooo!
sorry no pic… next time ill throw up a pic.
So may I say to each of you most gratefully
As I throw each one of you a kiss
This is my kind of town. Chicago is,
Well it looks like its that time again…but on a more permanent basis. I’m not sure what exactly the next few months hold for me, accept that i am going with the intention to find where i can finish school in order to pursue my dreams. I was originally going to move to Nyc but do to some complications, turn of events and destiny if you have it, i’m now moving to L.A. I leave Monday. October 4th. I can definitely say when i first realized i wasn’t moving to nyc right away i was somewhat devastated but then i came to realize that it didn’t mean i wouldn’t end up there later, and the reality is im going to be moving in with my brother in L.A. so i couldn’t ask for anything better. Especially right now. For him and for me. Truth is i don’t plan on coming back to live in Chicago. Maybe one day but i hope that day is far away. Doesn’t mean i wont miss my family and friends. I wish more than anything they could come with me but it feels like Chicago just doesn’t have anything for me right now. Sometimes life calls us places for good reason, sometimes God leads us to these places..or He just tells us to go and we just don’t know where till we get there. I wanted to make this short because i still have much to do but i hope if you are reading this you will keep up with my blog. I have all the intention to blog regularly. Goodbye and farewell. And p.s. if anyone would like to come for a visit all you have to do is let me know! Goodbye Chicago. Going to miss U!
I think i’ll attach this beat to my track
So im jamin, jamin, jamin….along comes this beat…
new. vibrant. sleek.
thats cool with me, lets just keep it vibin..
wait… wait… wasn’t expecting you to do that
7 bars in and i’m in a trance…
round, round, round
seriously, yeah thats happening.
I’ll just bounce, bounce, bounce you off my jam
If i don’t i’ll probably be naming this track beat
I think its too late..
You got me beat.